Tag Archives: veyron

Bugatti Sets New Top Speed Record; French Spitefully Create 11,000 MPG Car in Response

If it’s a year with four digits, it must be time for Bugatti to roll out another limited-edition Veyron model for the absurdly rich to debate buying instead of a small African country. But instead of just slapping on a fresh coat of paint (or removing the paint, as they’ve also done), the good folks at the Volkswagen subsidiary added 183 horsepower and 184 pound-feet of torque, in order to allow the new Veyron Super Sport to reclaim the title of world’s fastest’s production car. (For those of you who get off on seeing the figures, the new totals are 1183 horsepower and 1106 lb-ft. Now please clean off your keyboard.)

Now, if you’re like us, you probably wondered, “Reclaim it from who? Didn’t they already have that title?” Well, sort of. If you ask the Guinness Book of Records (motto: “Obsolete since Wikipedia”), they’d say up ’til now, the world’s fastest production car was America’s own SSC (Shelby SuperCars) Ultimate Aero, which clocked a 256 mph run on a closed highway in Washington State in 2007 thanks to a claimed 1183 horsepower from its twin-turbocharged 6.4 liter V8. But we’d refute this claim, for three reasons: a) considering they made only 50 examples of their one model, SSC is as much an “automotive manufacturer” as BP is an “eco-friendly energy company,” b) the “Shelby” in the company’s name does NOT refer to Carroll Shelby, which is a gross misrepresentation (even if it still is the last name of the company’s founder, Jerod Shelby), and c) the Ultimate Aero is pug-fugly. I mean, the Veyron is no Marisa Miller, but at least it looks expensive. The Aero just looks like a bad body kit for a Lamborghini Diablo.

The SSC Ultimate Aero.

The SSC Ultimate Aero in a defensive posture.

Marisa Miller. (Thanks, Sports Illustrated!)

But hopefully, now that Bugatti has reclaimed the top speed record, we won’t have to look at the Ultimate Aero for quite a while. The Veyron Super Sport (a term which, between this car and the Bentley Continental Supersports, VW is clearly trying to steal away from Chevrolet) ripped off an average top speed of 268 miles per hour on Volkswagen’s test track. (Fun fact: that’s about 36 percent of the speed of sound at ground level!) No word on whether the vehicle actually used to break the record was clad in the same repugnant black-over-orange paint job used on the pictured car.

No word, of course, on how quickly the Veyron SS was sucking down gas at 268 miles per hour, but given the regular Veyron averages 10 mpg and drains its gas tank in 12 minutes at top speed, we’re guessing the Super Sport’s fuel economy at top speed resembles that of an F-22 Raptor. At full afterburner. (None of that supercruise crap!)

But luckily for our grandchildren (remember, folks, take some pictures this winter, ’cause your descendants won’t know what snow looked like!), a group of students from the French schools Polytech Nantes and Lycée La Joliverie cancelled out the Veyron’s carbon emissions by created a car capable of going 11,516 miles on the energy equivalent of a gallon of gas. (Or or 4895.91 kilometers per liter, if you want to get all metric about it.) The car uses a hydrogen fuel cell, so they simply converted the amount of hydrogen used into the amount of gasoline with the same amount of energy. Sadly, the French étudiants didn’t actually drive 11,516 miles at what we have to imagine was the speed of a stoned tortoise, but rather drove around a race track and simply extrapolated, which, let’s face it, is kind of cheating. Man up, Polyech Nantes! Bugatti actually pushed their car to 268 mph. Let’s see you drive around a racetrack a couple thousand times.

(Though we have to admit…the 11,516 mpg French car kind of looks cooler than the Veyron.)

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Volvo says Twilight’s Edward Cullen is their ideal vehicle owner. Think about that for a second.

We’ve got another Burst of News coming your way early next week, but this is something we just felt we couldn’t keep bottled up all weekend.

According to Volvo, angsty douchebag vampire Edward Cullen, of Stephanie Meyer’s stupefyingly poorly written best-selling Twilight series, is the ideal Volvo owner. As such, in the upcoming future Razzie-nominated blockbuster adaptation of New Moon, Edward (bet he hates it when you call him Eddie) will be driving a Volvo XC60 sport-utility vehicle.

Yes, folks, you read that right. A passive-aggressive, pasty, teenage bloodsucker is the exact sort of person Volvo cars wants to be identified with.

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With hair like that, you'd think he drove a convertible.

A vampire who’s not only so pathetic and filled with self-loathing that he refuses to consume human blood, but jerks around the girl who’s in love with him, breaking her heart and refusing to let either of them be happy. (Dude, if she wants to be a vampire, let her be a vampire! Especially since “being a vampire” is no different than “being Clark Kent on Smallville,” except your skin sparkles.)

A vapid, two-dimensional creation from the masturbatory fantasies of a middle-aged Mormon mother who never so much as wrote a short story before drafting a cliched, anti-feminist, conservative piece of  drivel that, despite demonstrating the same level of writing skill as slightly-better-than-average Supernatural fan fiction, became a series of novels that spent almost two whole years atop the New York Times bestseller list, causing far superior writers who have been questing quixotically for years for a mere modimicum of her success to debate whether the Colt .45 they reach for should be in malt liquor or firearm form.

Volvo claims Eddie identifies well with their vehicles because he is “a nurturer” and cares about keeping the people he loves safe, while still seeking something good-looking. (After all, he is not-banging Kristen Stewart.) I say, emasculated bipolar monster , nurturer – po-tay-to, po-tot-o.

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Man, first they're associated with sushi-eating lefties, then "vegetarian" vampires. When will Volvo find owners who like red meat?

You know who would make a great character for Volvo to hook their wagon to? Thor. Incredibly powerful, well-spoken, flowing hair, an enormous hammer capable of bringing down lightening or splitting through dimensions – and he’s Norwegian to boot. You think Eddie Cullen has as much Swedish heritage in his corrupted veins as The Mighty Thor does?

(And don’t give me that “Edward’s pale enough to be Swedish” shit, cause I ain’t buying it. He’s a vampire. If he was one bit Norwegian, he’d be living up there from October to March. I read 30 Days Of Night. I know how vampires think.)

There’s a Thor movie headed for theaters in 2011. Maybe Saab will be smart enough to snap up the sponsorship rights to that one. I can see it now: “My evil half-brother Loki has stolen Mjolnir, robbing me of my ability to fly! Quick – into that Saab 9-5! We might not catch him – but with a turbocharged engine, we’ve got half a chance!”

thor full size

Here's a much better character to associate your brand with - someone who beats blind men and cross-dressers to death with a hammer!

And on a completely unrelated note, here’s a quick video of a man in Texas driving his Bugatti Veyron into a lake. He claims he was startled by a “low-flying pelican.” Personally, I think he just heard Volvo wants to be identified with Twilight.


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